Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Super Virgin

There is a terrifying moment in the life of every girl, words that make the female mind cringe...
need a hint?


and no.... these stirrups are not the kind used for riding horses. they belong to the gynecologist.

see why they are so terrifying? they spread your legs and are evil contraptions made for the observation of one's cooch. (which I don't like to be observed... even by myself) It is an instrument of shame and humiliation.

I will not lie to you.... my biggest fear in the whole world was going to the lady doctor. So naturally, I delayed my visit until it was a neccessity (which in my mind meant that I would only go a month prior to getting married). I thought I would have time, but I did not see that I was going to get engaged so quickly.... and then... it was time.

I expected to pay a ridiculous fee to be "examined" (aka, humiliated), feel super uncomfortable, wear that stupid paper vest (and nothing else), and get birth control. It's not that I don't like babies, I just don't want a honeymoon baby- I AM A BABY I CANNOT HAVE ONE.

on a side note... I just don't understand why anyone would choose this profession... vaginas are the most hideous creature in existence. This next image will be pornographic, it will show you what a vagina looks like.


It is just so terrifying, I feel like this is the most accurate non-porn description of a vagina.

Anyways.... I went in and found out that they wouldn't just hand over the birth control because apparently I had a problem. They called it an "imperfect hymen" PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFffffffffffffffff.

the more accurate description is bullet proof, Thor hammer-esque, super hymen that also functioned as a chastity belt.

this is from Robin Hood Men in Tights so I don't feel bad posting it.

If you are a boy, stop reading right now.


okay.... so a vagina has a hymen... and that hymen is suppose to have a hole to allow for menstration and all that other wonderful stuff. The average opening is two fingers... mine was a pinhole?


but SMALLER....

So apparently, if I had sex I wouldn't be able to have sex.... OR if by some miracle his...... thing..... broke through my chastity belt hymen (not likely) I would hemorrhage and bleed to death.


Also, if you have been wondering, no, I have never been able to use a tampon- and yes, girls made fun of me and told me it was all mental.

BUT IT WASN'T. scientific fact.

But then, I got the worst news of all, I would have to go in a total of three times to the "lady doctor" when I had only planned on one. Oh, and I would need surgery on my yahoo. BUT THEN I WOULD BE ABLE TO PROCREATE AND WEAR TAMPONS.

So now everyone knows that my surgery was on my lady parts- embarrassing... isn't it?

Bed rest for a week, total recovery time 6 weeks. Lots of vicoden. aaaaaannnndddd a donut. don't know what that is? don't worry- I am going to show you as I tell you the tale of my surgery... lets call it.... the VAGINA CHRONICLES.

 The check-in time was 7:00 AM Friday Morning
I had to fast
no lotion
no food
no water
no makeup
so really, it was like a typical going to school/work day when I wake up late and don't have time to do any of these things.... but today, they were going Down Under and I was not too pleased about the up and coming expedition.

 So I read magazines for people who want babies and just thought to myself about how all I had wanted was birth control but I had a hymen of a 5 year old so I had to get that fixed....

 So then I tried to think of happy things, like how my grandfather use to read this magazine, and how the cover totally reminds me of my friend Chelsea, waiting for letters from her missionary Allen <3

 But then, when I was reading that magazine I saw a wedding picture and that reminded me of how I was trying to get this surgery done before I was married and how.... it would hurt....

 So I had a freakout moment.

 but it ended up being okay because my mom was there to support me, and she is my number 1 fan
(everyone, meet my mother, who is hiding behind her phone and will kill me if she ever discovers this photo's existence.... shhhhhhhhh.)

 The room I was waiting in had this ridiculous mural... as if that would make me being naked in front of strangers any better.
"Kylie, don't worry relax, look to your right, there is a lovely picture of an island, pretend you are on a vacation."
ya, a vacation to Hell.

 I did appreciate how they covered the stirrups with oven mits, I thought it was cute and practical and I began to think that it might not be so bad...

 But I must say that the oven mitts from my first visit were way more darling and there was no pretentious mural. just throwing that out there.

 At this point, the first wave of pain meds began to kick in... YES I AM HIGH IN THIS PICTURE

 and also this one, taken by my lovely mother.

 But then it dawned on me.... the surgery, there was no escape...
and I began to feel devastated.

 However, a miracle happened, and my beloved came in to see me for a surprise visit on his way to work

 My mom likes to take pictures of us smooching,
anyways, those five minutes meant so much to me.

Then they herded me into the operation room... and it was BAD.
But luckily, I was so high, it didn't really matter.

The operation table looked a little like this if that gives you any idea of the horrors I went through.

Luckily, I was hyped up on this stuff and so I can't really recall much from the surgery and I will spare you the details, unless you ask me. Then I will go into more depth than you ever wanted.

Also, in the recovery room, apparently I told the attending nurse my whole life story.
I wish I had a reality TV show so all of this could have been captured.

I went home.

 Jon adopted a cat for me, her name at the time was Tasha, but I thought that was stupid.

 so Jon and I called her "Cat" while we tried to find a name for her.

 Unfortunately, "Cat" now only responds to "Cat" so our cat's name is Cat. We are just full of originality up in here. Cat has been the best bed rest companion ever, and she loves Jon, even though Jon doesn't like cats- it is rather comical to watch.

this is the donut I told you about, it takes the pressure off of my basement and allows me to sit upright. It is the best invention ever.

Ladies, do yourself a favor~ go to the gynecologist before it becomes a neccessity.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Updateous upon my Lifeous

Hey everyone, this is my dad. I always try to make him proud...
Yet despite this fact, I don't think this picture of him would make him feel that way. As you can see, this is probably where I got my sense of humor from....

Truffle is as fat as ever, and not pregnant. If I were to allow her to be with her lover, Tobias, she would have babies while I'm getting married- this would be upsetting, because her babies would look like this
and I dont want to miss a single moment of that.
my last name is still Johnson. Don't worry, I am going to fix it by the end of next month.
Jon and I love to feed Ducks.
Actually, I like to feed ducks,
Jon likes to ball the bread up and throw it at them.
It's a guy thing.
I wanted the puppy on the left, because Huskys are awesome and his little tongue was just so cute, plus his icy blue eyes just said "please take me home" but the price tag said "this is a year's worth of rent, walk away."
I experiemented with fashion, and I totally dig this rediculous retro look.
It was like I took punk and vintage with a side of art deco and baked it on high for 30 minutes.
It was a delicious combo, can we say.... eye candy?
Scottsdale has this street filled with really neat (albeit overpriced) shops that are lit up at night like Christmas and they have this AMAZING horse statue out, which I am planning on stealing. All helpers will receive a hungy howies pizza.sound fair?
I tried this Hannah Montana look and surprisingly rocked it, even when making this face.
Also, I applied to adopt a dog named Lilly.
Then I told Jon about it, we will see what happens....
Isn't she super presh?

I asked Jon if we could do something fun tonight if I finished my homework. He suggested watching the Einstein documentry~ is it possible to fall in love all over again? Jon is so solid. OF COURSE I WANT TO WATCH A DOCUMENTRY ON EINSTEIN. that's 15 gold stars for you, Jon.
I asked for a dog and Jon brought me a frog. Actually he bought 5 OF THEM. Don't worry, they are only mildly toxic so you have to change their water dish everyday or they will poison themselves..... They all have Harry Potter themed names. We have Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin, Mad-eye Moody, Fang, and Hagrid. I love them. I think they are the greatest thing on our bookcase, their croaks are so cute, but here is the thing..... I still want a dog, hence why I applied for one, and THEN told Jon.

Its kind of like this sign I saw in a hotdog shop~ it said

I prayed and asked God for a bike,
But I knew he didn't work that way.
So I went and stole a bike,
and asked for forgiveness.
Marriage is the same concept.
it might be easier to ask for forgiveness.

Also, I am trying to set a temple date, February 24th?
how's that sound, Chelsea?

Anyways, here are just the random tidbits of my life.

OH AND I GOT MY WEDDING DRESS AND EVEN THOUGH I GAINED WEIGHT.... it still fits. why? because you have to be smarter than the dress. Ladies, buy a corset dress, it grows with you.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

New Years! [[[a month later]]]

I have this thing for feeding Ducks, Jon has one for shooting them;
But I convinced him to make peace with the AFLAC duck and so to the park we went after church
I am a duck whisperer. I CAUGHT A DUCK. I started my year off like a bad A.
look how darling my duck is.
name suggestions anyone?
This was my duck's crew.
Look at what a marvelously motley menagerie they are; next time I go to Yuma I'm going to steal all four of them.
Jon and I also went to Mexico, I didn't take a lot pf pictures there.... because I was afraid they'd steal my phone, but it was so much fun and no drug cartel killed me.

Jon and I paid this guy to paint a picture for us, look at it, its amazing. The best part is that he did it all with SPRAYPAINT AND GROCERY BAGS.
Jon haggled pretty good and we got this 50 dollar necklace for 25 with matching earing for my mom.
She totally digs the whole "I have giant turquoise stones around my neck" thing.
we also eloped....... just kidding.
This was taken at a goodwill in Scottsdale. I should have bought it,
but I'm waiting for half price Saturday.
We are still.... unmarried....
We went to this [fairly] reputable taco place in Mexico and Jon, despite the fact he hates cats, let me sit at the table with a feline on a chair next to me.
It was really cute, I wanted to take it across the border with me....
we dined with a mexican cat before it got turned into a taco.

oh I also decided that I am going to collect horses from around the world. I have two from Denmark and I got another little wooden one in Mexico.

It was such a grand adventure for the beginning of the year.

I need to go back to Yuma and Mexico soon. I want to haggle, buy things, and catch my duck again.

oh, and I guess I miss my family there too :)