Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Super Virgin

There is a terrifying moment in the life of every girl, words that make the female mind cringe...
need a hint?


and no.... these stirrups are not the kind used for riding horses. they belong to the gynecologist.

see why they are so terrifying? they spread your legs and are evil contraptions made for the observation of one's cooch. (which I don't like to be observed... even by myself) It is an instrument of shame and humiliation.

I will not lie to you.... my biggest fear in the whole world was going to the lady doctor. So naturally, I delayed my visit until it was a neccessity (which in my mind meant that I would only go a month prior to getting married). I thought I would have time, but I did not see that I was going to get engaged so quickly.... and then... it was time.

I expected to pay a ridiculous fee to be "examined" (aka, humiliated), feel super uncomfortable, wear that stupid paper vest (and nothing else), and get birth control. It's not that I don't like babies, I just don't want a honeymoon baby- I AM A BABY I CANNOT HAVE ONE.

on a side note... I just don't understand why anyone would choose this profession... vaginas are the most hideous creature in existence. This next image will be pornographic, it will show you what a vagina looks like.


It is just so terrifying, I feel like this is the most accurate non-porn description of a vagina.

Anyways.... I went in and found out that they wouldn't just hand over the birth control because apparently I had a problem. They called it an "imperfect hymen" PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFffffffffffffffff.

the more accurate description is bullet proof, Thor hammer-esque, super hymen that also functioned as a chastity belt.

this is from Robin Hood Men in Tights so I don't feel bad posting it.

If you are a boy, stop reading right now.


okay.... so a vagina has a hymen... and that hymen is suppose to have a hole to allow for menstration and all that other wonderful stuff. The average opening is two fingers... mine was a pinhole?


but SMALLER....

So apparently, if I had sex I wouldn't be able to have sex.... OR if by some miracle his...... thing..... broke through my chastity belt hymen (not likely) I would hemorrhage and bleed to death.


Also, if you have been wondering, no, I have never been able to use a tampon- and yes, girls made fun of me and told me it was all mental.

BUT IT WASN'T. scientific fact.

But then, I got the worst news of all, I would have to go in a total of three times to the "lady doctor" when I had only planned on one. Oh, and I would need surgery on my yahoo. BUT THEN I WOULD BE ABLE TO PROCREATE AND WEAR TAMPONS.

So now everyone knows that my surgery was on my lady parts- embarrassing... isn't it?

Bed rest for a week, total recovery time 6 weeks. Lots of vicoden. aaaaaannnndddd a donut. don't know what that is? don't worry- I am going to show you as I tell you the tale of my surgery... lets call it.... the VAGINA CHRONICLES.

 The check-in time was 7:00 AM Friday Morning
I had to fast
no lotion
no food
no water
no makeup
so really, it was like a typical going to school/work day when I wake up late and don't have time to do any of these things.... but today, they were going Down Under and I was not too pleased about the up and coming expedition.

 So I read magazines for people who want babies and just thought to myself about how all I had wanted was birth control but I had a hymen of a 5 year old so I had to get that fixed....

 So then I tried to think of happy things, like how my grandfather use to read this magazine, and how the cover totally reminds me of my friend Chelsea, waiting for letters from her missionary Allen <3

 But then, when I was reading that magazine I saw a wedding picture and that reminded me of how I was trying to get this surgery done before I was married and how.... it would hurt....

 So I had a freakout moment.

 but it ended up being okay because my mom was there to support me, and she is my number 1 fan
(everyone, meet my mother, who is hiding behind her phone and will kill me if she ever discovers this photo's existence.... shhhhhhhhh.)

 The room I was waiting in had this ridiculous mural... as if that would make me being naked in front of strangers any better.
"Kylie, don't worry relax, look to your right, there is a lovely picture of an island, pretend you are on a vacation."
ya, a vacation to Hell.

 I did appreciate how they covered the stirrups with oven mits, I thought it was cute and practical and I began to think that it might not be so bad...

 But I must say that the oven mitts from my first visit were way more darling and there was no pretentious mural. just throwing that out there.

 At this point, the first wave of pain meds began to kick in... YES I AM HIGH IN THIS PICTURE

 and also this one, taken by my lovely mother.

 But then it dawned on me.... the surgery, there was no escape...
and I began to feel devastated.

 However, a miracle happened, and my beloved came in to see me for a surprise visit on his way to work

 My mom likes to take pictures of us smooching,
anyways, those five minutes meant so much to me.

Then they herded me into the operation room... and it was BAD.
But luckily, I was so high, it didn't really matter.

The operation table looked a little like this if that gives you any idea of the horrors I went through.

Luckily, I was hyped up on this stuff and so I can't really recall much from the surgery and I will spare you the details, unless you ask me. Then I will go into more depth than you ever wanted.

Also, in the recovery room, apparently I told the attending nurse my whole life story.
I wish I had a reality TV show so all of this could have been captured.

I went home.

 Jon adopted a cat for me, her name at the time was Tasha, but I thought that was stupid.

 so Jon and I called her "Cat" while we tried to find a name for her.

 Unfortunately, "Cat" now only responds to "Cat" so our cat's name is Cat. We are just full of originality up in here. Cat has been the best bed rest companion ever, and she loves Jon, even though Jon doesn't like cats- it is rather comical to watch.

this is the donut I told you about, it takes the pressure off of my basement and allows me to sit upright. It is the best invention ever.

Ladies, do yourself a favor~ go to the gynecologist before it becomes a neccessity.


  1. First of all, I love you and I love that you posted this. And super sorry you had to go through it. Shocked and thrilled that you would share.
    Secondly, I swear this kind of thing only happens to Mormons. Nobody else has these problems.
    Thirdly, I tell people all the time that they should go to the girl doctor long before they are engaged so it is in no way associated with honeymoons or weddings.
    Fourth, I always feel my greatest accomplishment as a lady doctor is when I finish someone's first appointment and they go, "Wow. That wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be." See! I do this for a reason. Less traumatic experiences all around, please.

    1. I totally adore you. I am not going to lie, I totally thought of you the entire time I was writing this... it is pretty much dedicated to you.

      I was going to go to you, but I needed to make sure my vagina wasn't the most hideous one known to man... expect me in the future ;) haha

  2. Oh Kylie, how did I not see this blog post until just now?! I am on hour 7 on my shift at CAC (aka HELL. Yeah, I work the 6am shift now...) and I cannot tell you how invigorated I now feel. Only you could get away with posting this. You are my favorite